Quarter-season recap

Premier League

🐓 Biggest winner? Tottenham. Spurs actually winning the title is about as likely as me finding a girlfriend, but the Lilywhite faithful could care less; they have found their man in Ange Postecoglou, who will hold them through sickness and health (unlike my ex-wife).

📉 Biggest loser? Man United shareholders. The club's stock price (MANU) has plummeted by more than 17% since the start of the season, largely in part to the team's poor performance (the Red Devils are in tenth place) in addition to the Glazers revealing they have no plans to sell the club amid interest from Qatar. 

🔨 Biggest surprise? West Ham. After a 14th-place finish last season, the seventh-place Hammers have conducted smart transfer business with the £100 million acquired for Declan Rice. James Ward-Prowse has been particularly bright, receiving an average match rating of 7.53 per WhoScored?.

😮 Bold prediction: Someone other than Man City will win the league. Relative to their lofty standards, the Citizens have struggled in Kevin De Bruyne's absence, having lost consecutive league matches for the first time since 2018.

La Liga

🤑 Biggest winner? Florentino Pérez. Real Madrid's president no longer has to splash out ~€200m for Kylian Mbappé with Jude Bellingham's emergence as one of the best goalscorers (and players) in the world. Los Blancos need to save every penny to fund their €1b renovation of the Bernabéu. 

👎 Biggest loser? Celta Vigo. Currently in 18th place, Los Celestes are in real danger of relegation for the first time since 2007. Their defense – who have conceded 15 league goals already this season – is making even Mason Greenwood look lethal.

😎 Biggest surprise? Girona. Míchel has taken a side that finished sixth in Spain's second division just two seasons ago and transformed them into contenders for European qualification for the first time ever. The newly-acquired Ukranian duo of Viktor Tsygankov and Artem Dovbyk have formed one of the most potent attacks in Spain, Aleix García has stepped up in the midfield after Oriol Romeu's departure to Barça, and Daley Blind has revitalized his career as a ball-playing CB for the Catalan club. 

🔮 Bold prediction: Jude Bellingham won't slow down his immense goalscoring form and will win the Pichichi Trophy.

Serie A

🇺🇸 Biggest winner? Christian Pulisic. Captain America couldn't have asked for a better start to his career at Milan. Finally fit and no longer burdened by the head-scratching personnel decisions made by a revolving door of managers at Chelsea (playing Pulisic as a wing-back comes to mind), Pulisic has already quadrupled his goal tally (4) from last season (1) in one-third as many games.

😬 Biggest loser? José Mourinho. Recent comments made by the Portuguese suggest that he already has one foot out the door, as does his team's defensive form; Roma are in tenth place despite scoring the second-most goals in the league this season with 19.

🍋 Biggest surprise? Napoli. Last season's Scudetto winners have started this season with a championship hangover that makes limoncello seem impotent in comparison. New manager Rudi Garcia has struggled to identify a sufficient replacement for Kim Min-jae, and the club's social media team hasn't exactly inspired confidence in players.

🎯 Bold prediction: Lautaro Martínez, who currently has ten Serie A goals, will will the European Golden Boot.

Bundesliga

💪 Biggest winner? Leverkusen. Xabi Alonso's side have a goal differential of +17 and have yet to lose this season. Rhinelanders are hopeful the Spainard will stick around for another few seasons with the news emerging that he has a release clause allowing him to leave for three of his former clubs: Liverpool, Bayern Munich, and Real Madrid.

🦅 Biggest loser? Frankfurt's attack. Die Adler have struggled to fill the void left by Randal Kolo Muani, having scored only six goals in seven league matches. You know the situation is dire when the Frenchman – who signed with PSG on September 1st – is still Frankfurt's joint-top scorer this season.

🔥 Biggest surprise? Serhou Guirassy. The Stuttgart striker is shattering records with 13 goals in seven games, with an average match rating of 8.80 per WhoScored? – the highest of any player in Europe's top leagues.

🏆 (Sort of) bold prediction: Bayern will win a 12th-straight Meisterschale and the Champions League.

Ligue 1

🤝 Biggest winner? Parity. No team has more than five league wins this season and only seven points separate league-leaders Monaco from 11th-place Strasbourg.

😱 Biggest loser? Lyon. Remember just a few years ago when Les Gones won seven-straight Ligue 1 titles, regularly made deep runs in the Champions League, and boasted an academy that produced talented players like Karim Benzema, Alexandre Lacazette, and Hatem Ben Arfa? Pepperidge Farm remembers...

👌 Biggest surprise? Nice. Last season's ninth-place finishers are proving they're Ligue 1's crème de la crème, having already defeated PSG (3rd place) and Monaco (1st place) whilst conceding only four goals this season.

👀 Bold prediction: Marseille. With Marcelino leaving as manager after just four league matches, Les Phocéens will hire Zinidine Zidane after the club is bought by Saudi Arabia. We'll sure that'll go over swimmingly with the Marseillais…